Recently, as some of you may have noticed, I seemed to drop off the map and disappear completely to some of you. And while that is partially true, my life, of course, has continued to plod along in its usual manner. The standard manic balancing act -- one day tipping the scales toward despondancy and the next day tipping them back to joy again. An endless game of see-saw, that for better or worse, is my life.The truth is, I have been in self-imposed exile. Shut up in my dusty terrace. I’ve been Sealed off from the world without regular company. With just my books, my writing, my tea, my music. Shut away, with my imagination and my unfortunate inclination toward constant brooding, Thinking about this and that. Worrying about God knows what. Worrying about the usual we all worry about. And it is only now that I have felt comfortable enough to timidly approach the world again. And thus, write this entry here in my blog, in the hope of returning to it with fresh inspiration in the next few days.I just hope the effort will be worth it.Although, before I continue, let me argue semantics for a moment. Because I have just realized that maybe it wasn't an exile after all, but a hibernation I have been living in. Maybe it was inevitable that I withdrew into my cave and rolled the boulder over its narrow entrance. I cannot be sure if it was a cowardly escape from reality or a brave leap into my core. But I am certain it was an inevitable occurrence, Something that needed to be done for my own state of mind. Because, if I must be honest, before I shut up shop, the outside world was wearing me down ever so slowly. The endless routines I had either created for myself or that had been thrust upon me from outside were afflicting me with a painful hopelessness I was finding incredibly hard to bear. Something wasn't right -- that's for sure.No matter where I looked or what facet of my existence I pondered, everything seemed to be falling apart. Cobwebs seemed to be hanging from the corners of the ceiling. A stifling dust seemed to have settled on every surface of my psyche. I could not understand how my life came to rest where I found myself. No matter how I studied it, I couldn't help but see myself as trapped in an absurdity. Cocooned in absurdity, that while being my life, could not have been consciously decided upon by myself. And while I know that I am responsible for my life, I could no longer follow the path that led to where I stood. But rather, it appeared as if I had been flowing with a violent tide. As if I had let go of the oars and the rudder long ago and just drifted off to these swampy waters into which I was now sinking.So this is why I have been silent. This is why I have been hibernating. I could no longer continue the way I was going. I no longer felt capable of putting on a brave face while I sensed a sub-conscious despair creaking in my bones and haunting my dreams.And now, now that I appear to be rising from my month-long meditation, I do not believe it has been in vane. In fact, I believe it has been a great success. This exile, or this hibernation, was a pre-requisite for my slow but perpetual progress. And today as I was driving , having spent the trip, screaming and cursing, punching the ceiling of my car and feeling an immense impulse to burst into tears, I suddenly felt myself awash in an emotion of great relief. As I walked to my house I felt alive again. It was as if this momentary break-down, where my despair reached its peak, had been the final act of this process of reevaluation. Like a tribal dance after a long religious ritual, it may have appeared ridiculous, but I do believe it actually served a purpose.I seriously think that I needed this break. I needed to stop and take stock. I needed a spring clean. And this is exactly what I have done. In this month of erratic thought I have achieved much. I have written a 20,000 word short story which I will soon post. Even though upon reading it I realise I am not very impressed with it. I have also have Decided to get rid of the excess garbage in my life. I have just begun the first few steps. I have reorganized my reading which I hope will open my eyes to further opportunities. I have started writing regularly every evening instead of the usual trickle I used to force from myself. And best of all, I have recognized my philosophy on life, which, if all goes well, I will be able to realign in the coming weeks.So, my friends, if any of you still exist, I hope tonight's post will be a new beginning. Otherwise I will have to hang myself from the rafters.And remember what Pascal said: "I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room."